The Right Something Is Out There: An Open Love Letter to My Depressed Friends
To my beloved friends who are depressed beyond belief,
I want you to know that you are not alone. I am here. I have been in that black hole that is sucking everything away from you: your ability to care, work, exercise, feel, function. I know you get infuriated with yourself (or you would if you had the energy). You had dreams and a vision of yourself and the life you would live. Instead, you find yourself stuck in the same shit day after day. Sometimes it makes you wonder what’s the point of being alive if you can’t live the life you want.
I know that pain and hopelessness and despair and rage. I know they can eclipse every other experience. I know that when you are deeply depressed, you simply aren’t living in the same world as neuronormative people. You don’t feel spontaneous happiness. You can sometimes objectively recognize things that are beautiful and good, but awe is not stirred in your chest. The goodness can’t register.
I want you to know that as all encompassing as your depression is, as long as it has haunted and tormented you, it still can change. With the right therapist, the right medication, the right changes, the right something. I don’t know what the right thing is for you. But I know it exists. It is out there. It is worth trying and trying and just barely showing up for another day in case that’s the day the right something comes along.
And I know that it is terribly unfair and exhausting to keep trying. But you are not alone. Sometimes trying just means surrendering and letting other people help you.
I know some days just being alive and dealing with yourself feels horrific. Those days you hate yourself the most, that’s when you need the most love. So do whatever you need to do to survive it--cancel plans, wear something soft, talk to someone. Get comfortable and wait for the feeling to go away. Because there is something out there that will make it right, something that will give your life back to you. And you need to be alive to find it. So just survive.
Despair is the mistaken belief that every day will be like today. It isn’t true. Listen: IT ISN’T TRUE. I know it is impossible to believe when every day has been bad for so long. But things can and do change. You can and do change. The right thing IS out there for you.
I will help you find it, because I love you.
Photo credit: Johnny Lai